Joke Thread

[Jokerswild]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past
and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a few
puffs.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a
drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over
and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the
side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint
with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river
while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle
finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint.

The Crocodile looks up and says "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says.....

"Fuuuuuuuu**..... Duuuuuuude.....how much water did you drink?!!"

[gvblake22]

Oh wow. Crazy how the stupidest jokes can be funny!

So what did they blind man say when he walked past the fish shop?
..
..
..
..
"Mornin' ladies!"

OOOHHHHH, man! It's so bad it hurts!!! :roll:

[gvblake22]

So there was this church and the Reverend Father decided that it would be good to have all of the curch staff together for a dinner to celebrate the 10th year annaversery of the church being open. He gathered up all the Sister Nuns and informed them of the event and apponted shy, reserved Sister Martha to get some good fish from the fish market since it was Friday and the market should have a good selection of nice fish. She, of course, agreed and traveled to the fish market later that day to find the finest fish they had available. Walking into the more respectable fish markets on the pier, she asked the gentleman behind the counter what their best fillet of fish was today. He answered, "OH! You have to try this fish from the Black Sea!"
"Hmmm, yes, that sounds exotic and exiting. But where is it, I dont see it?"
The man pointed, "Right there in front with the label 'God Damn Good Fish from the Black Sea'"

Suprised, Sister Martha was hesetant about buying fish with such a name, no matter how good it is supposed to be. "Are you sure this is it? This is what you recommend?"
"OH YES! You are in for a real treat, this is always a favorite at the dinner table!"
Sister Martha pondered the purchase for a bit afraid to buy a product with such a name and she was worried that the Father would ask what kind of fish was chosen for dinner. Although she was worried about the name, she purchased it anyway in hopes that no one would bring it up.
That night, the fish was cooked and served at the church dinner. To her suprised, the fish was, infact, very good! And from the compliments coming from around the table, it seemed as though everone else agreed as well.
Finally, the Father asked, "Sister Martha, this fish is excellent! What kind is it?"
Sister Martha immediately turned red and was sweating bullets. Hoping to avoid the question she answered, "Well, I'm not really sure actually. The man at the store simply recommended it to me and I forgot to even look at the name."
Not convinced, the reverend pressed on... "Oh come now, surely you must remember glancing at the name or heard it mentioned!"
"Well, the fish has an absurd name and it doesn't need to be repeated."
"Please Sister, I'm sure it isn't that bad, please just tell us what this wonderful dinner we are eating is called!"
"Well, ok.... It is called 'God Damn Good Fish from the Black Sea..."
Excited, the reverend replied, "Great! About time you loosened up! Now pass the F***ing butter!"

[DCD]

here's an oldie, but a classic...

A bear and a rabbit are sitting side by side in the woods taking a shit.
The bear looks down at the rabbit and asks, "do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"
The rabbit says "No".
The bear says "good". He picked the rabbit up and whiped his ass with him.

[simple_inhibition]

So, the 7 dwarves go into a church and Dopey walks up to the Pope and says:
"Father, Are there short nuns?"
and the Pope replies:
"Well of course son. There are short nuns."
So Dopey goes back to the other dwarves smiling ear to ear, but his friends say "No No! You asked him wrong...Try again." So he goes back up to the Pope and says:
"Father, Do you have nuns in the South?"
And the Pope replies, "Well of course there are nuns in the South."
So Dopey goes back to his friends again smiling ear to ear. but again, they say that he asked wrong. So Grumpy is getting irritated and goes up to the Pope and askes;
"Father, are there nuns in Antartica?"
and the Pope, annoyed, replies "No son. No one lives in Antartica."
So Grumpy goes and tells his friends the news. They all start laughing and chanting.....







Dopey F'd a penguin! Dopey F'd a penguin!


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These are A Lil dirty


Ford vs. God

Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angel tells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention-the assembly line for the automobile-changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."


Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God, Himself." The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Ford to the Throne Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"


God says, "Ah, yes."


"Well," says Ford, "You have some major design flaws in your invention:


1. there's too much front end protrusion2. it chatters at high speeds3. the rear end wobbles too much, and4. the intake is placed too close to the exhaust."


"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result. The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it.


"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford, "but according to My Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.

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Tatooed Penis

This fellow was so deeply in love that just before he was married, he had his bride's name tattooed on his love muscle. Normally, only the first and last letters were visible, although when he was aroused, the tattoo spelled out W-E-N-D-Y. Now they're on their honeymoon at a resort in Montego Bay. One night, in the men's room, this fellow finds himself standing next to a tall Jamaican at the urinal. To his amazement, he notices that this man, too, has the letters W-Y tattooed on his penis. "Excuse me," he says, "but I couldn't help noticing your tattoo. Do you have a girlfriend named Wendy?" "No way, mon, I work for the Tourist board. Mine reads, "Welcome to Jamaica, mon, have a nice day.'"

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Breathe In Breathe Out

There was a blonde that went to the hair salon with headphones. Before the barber started cutting her hair she told him "Make sure not to knock the headphones off my head". So the barber was sure not to. The next time, the blonde said the same thing "Do not knock the headphones off my head". The barber again, did what he was told. The third time she went, she told the barber again "Don't knock the headphones off my head", this time though, the barber accidentally knocked them off. As soon as the headphones fell off, the blonde dropped to the floor unconcious. The barber picked up the headphones and listened, and this is what it said "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out...."


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[Jokerswild]

The Henry Ford joke is great.

[Jokerswild]

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at
the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into
the coffin.

They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.





Shut up. You know it's funny.

[simple_inhibition]

ROFL

[simple_inhibition]

A man is lying in bed in a hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth as he recovers from surgery. A young student nurse arrives to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young student replies, "I don't know. I'm only here to wash your hands and feet". He struggles again to ask, "nurse are my testicles black?". Feeling very awkward, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, lifts his penis with one hand and holds his testicles in her other hand to take a look. She says, "They're fine. There is nothing wrong with them". Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, I asked,

ARE

MY

TEST RESULTS

BACK?!"

[Jokerswild]