All right....I gotta vent.

[Quakindude]

Ever since returning from overseas and having brain surgery, I've done my best to hide a bunch of issues. To have brought this shit up before now would have seen my ass kicked out of the Army with disability, but no retirement. A difference of about $1500 a month.

I had hope though, because just before our tornado hit, I was starting to feel better. After the tornado, I lost about 50 pounds working my ass off on the house. My headaches were very small/infrequent during this time frame. Also, I had just started using a CPAP machine to help me sleep. The negative to that was that I was ripping the mask off at night after about two hours of sleep. Then, in February, I started having the headaches again. I've always managed to keep up with the Army though, and that month of new headaches was no different. Then, by the first of April, I had a bad day during training on a Saturday. Ended up in the hospital with bad headaches again. Over the next couple of weeks, was in the ER twice and the local Post hospital like 10 times. So this got the Army's attention. I can hide a lot of shit, but passing out from exhaustion and pain isn't one of them.

So now, I am in the middle of this intense Physical Therapy program. The conversation with each new Doc goes something like this:

Doc: SFC Black, you must have had these issues for some time now. Why are you just now seeking help for it? It's obvious from your *insert test here* that you have muscle atrophy on your left side from the weakness and pain you've been having and your headaches have probably come back as a result of your not having done some therapy before now.

Me: Well Doc, here's the thing. If I would have come in three years ago with these problems, what would you have recommended?

Doc: Well, that you start physical therapy of course, and then we do a P3 Profile on you to stop your future deployments and to keep you from having to do the regular military physical fitness tests/training.

Me: OK Doc. So getting a P3 profile would have forced what?

Doc: A medical evaluation board....oh. Now I see where you're coming from.
At this point, the Docs get very helpful and understanding. It's pretty obvious there's no way in hell I can keep any civilian job when I'm missing at least a day of work a week due to pain/dizziness/exhaustion...or any number of health reasons. Not to mention all the friggin doctor's appointments.

So I end up having to do this physical evaluation last week. I'm STILL hurting on my left side from that and now, the Army knows how very badly heavy work affects my left side. I have this tendency for my left side to just stop working. Or I pass out. Both of which happened in this eval at a civilian facility last week.

So now, the Army Doc's are all about giving me the pain meds I need. I was being treated like some scummy drug addict for coming in before. Now though, I've actually had a couple of Doc's on post, to include the LTC that runs the clinic, apologize to me and tell me they understand, now, why I've been putting this whole thing off/covering up my issues.

During some of the tests I've had over the last month, one of them shows that I've gone from Obstructive Sleep Apnea to Severe Obstructive Sleep Apnea. This means I actually stop breathing while sleeping and could die from it. Since I've lost 50 pounds and am now down to a much trimmer 215Lbs, and the sleep apnea has gotten worse, the Doc's have determined it's a result of the brain surgery damaging brain tissue to get to the area where the blood vessels that needed repairing were located. So I now have a BIPAP machine that's helping me sleep better. Only had it a week though, and I've had 24 hour duty during that time, so I won't see the benefits from this thing for a couple of weeks.

I have absolutely NO CONFIDENCE what so ever that I will be properly cared for by the military system. I'm now seeking help from many different organizations in getting through this whole process. My chain of command from Iraq is helping me by writing letters on my behalf explaining the explosion that initially gave me these headaches and mental confusion in Iraq and, the progression of my issues since then.

I cannot even begin to tell you guys how horribly embarrassing it is to have to tell everyone this. But I've gotten to a point where I feel like a friggin dumbass most of the time. Mental clarity is a thing I see maybe two out of seven days. This morning was the worst in the last two months. Friggin totally frustrating. I keep forgetting stuff, my perception of passing time is way off, like for every week that passes in real time, I perceive it being three days or so. If I don't have spell check going, I look as if I have a 6th grade education, which is exactly where my math skills are. Firefox is a saving grace in this, but nothing helps math. Or memory. I've moved away from posting a whole lot on tech forums because of this. My head knows these nice words I used to use all the time, but I really have to sit and think of them or I just spell them the way my mind wants me to and I use spell check to fix them.

I've requested my Commander replace me in my job. I can't keep up. Too much stuff going on and I just can't keep up with all of it. So he is going to do that. He made the comment that I do fine while the headaches are under control, but that as soon as they start coming, I'm worthless in a job that requires multi-tasking abilities. And he's completely correct. Hell, even without the headaches, I'm a mess with trying to remember deadlines or multiple tasks, but with them, I'm done.

It looks like here soon, I will be transfered over to the Warrior Transition Unit. This is an area that I can work in without worrying over all the multiple issues that my current job keeps me busy with. All I have to worry about over there is my doctors appointments and getting better. With the new BIPAP machine, hopefully I can get the sleep I really need and stop some of these headaches. Since I'm over 19 years in, if I can get to the point where I'm able to show up to work each day without all the headaches and dizziness, I can finish up my time in the Army and retire regularly and with disability. If it gets to the point of an immediate medical retirement, it will affect my military retirement pay. Not by too much, but still, there's a lot of implications to it that simply won't be there if I can get to 20.

So there it is. Things may be changing rather fast for us in the very near future. Right now, I have so many doctors appointments, it's hard to keep up with them all. My life is lived by a daily planner. If I don't take notes and write this stuff down, I forget about it. With how I felt this morning though, I just had to bitch. I'm frustrated with my health, pissed off at the world and hurting. I wish things were different. I'm at the point where computers really don't get my juices flowing anymore.

/bitching

[gvblake22]

Damn dude, those are some serious issues you've got to deal with (both mentally and physically). Sounds like though that by the time you are done with doctors appointments you'll be just about to your 20 years and you can just be done with it then. Is the military disability retirement you hope to get after 20 years something you can live and rely on or would you still have to get something part time afterwards?

[azianai]

yo man good luck with all that.
always lookin out for ya

[qazwsx]

Sounds like a really tough time your going through, and for that you have my deepest sympathies. I hope things start looking up for you soon mate.

[screwballl]

We are right here next to you and understand that life can be tough. Keep us informed and we understand if you decide to step away for a bit to get things situated. We enjoy having you around, even if it is a bit cranky at times. Better alive and cranky then the alternative.

[oldman_gamer]

I wish to hell there was something we could do for ya brother.Like send a letter to someone etc..to get you better care and so.Damn..we should send a letter to the Commander in Chief and give him a headache.
Our prayers are with ya and will be here for all the way.

[polobunny]

Take good care man, I'm sorry to hear about your issues. I knew you were having certain health concerns from posts now and then, but didn't know it was "that" bad.

[simple_inhibition]

i too get massive migraines (sometimes once a week, sometimes 3 or 4 days in a row, sometimes all day) i chalk them up to the medical incinerator i lived next to for 15 months. God knows what all they burnt in there. i dont have the weekness as you do, however when a headache hits, im useless. i get dizzy and my sense of balance is completely off. i cant be around lights when im having one as it feels like i have a knife jabbed into my skull, and any sound what-so-ever echoes in my head. i cant imagine what your going, through with yours :( however i do know what your going though with the healthcare system. i was bounced from doctor to doctor, and all they ever did was give me midrin, but did nothing to determine the cause. i finally did get a good doctor, and now i have to schedule a CT scan next week. there are good doctors, its just finding the right one thats worth a damn. there finally doing something about TBI as there are many soldiers who sustain them during their time over there. you just have to stick with it, you know how the army is when it comes to change. i just want to let you know that you arent alone. also your in my thoughts and prayers Tom.

[Reloadron]

Tom

I cannot even begin to tell you guys how horribly embarrassing it is to have to tell everyone this. But I've gotten to a point where I feel like a friggin dumbass most of the time.

You need to understand there is nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing to be embarrased about. There is also no reason to feel like a dumbass. You had one hell of an experience in Iraq that obviously took a toll on you physically and mentally. Now compound that with the experience of literally being in your home, a place you should feel safe and secure when you watched in horror as a tornado came through. You were going through a rebuilding of your life following Iraq when a new rebuild entered your life. Pretty full plate there Tom.

Right now you need to focus on doing exactly as you are doing. Making sure you get good medical help and the problems cared for. Making sure there will be future beyond the Army.

My experience with military doctors is they lean towards the good of the patient. That is their job one! Work with them as they are the best option for help. Rant as you need as the venting is very important.

Ron

[Redleg]

Vent Bro, and get all the help you can while you're still in. The VA healthcare system is broken, and after you retire, and have to rely on that, well,,,,,,, It just plain sucks. Some of the docs try, but there's always 'redtape', and it won't be any easier. Make sure you have documentation of "All Issues" in your medical records!!!!

My prayers are with ya Tom,

Redleg