Laughs?

[Mithosphere]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math teacher."



And since i cant offend the ladies . . .
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm..
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is
struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands

up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she
yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be
memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They
all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then
an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall,
well built, with dark black hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up

the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt..... one button at a time. ........No one
moves. .......He removes his shirt. .......Muscles ripple across his chest.
......She gasps... .......He whispers: "Iron this, and then get me something

to eat..."

[gvblake22]

HAHAHA, good one

[whitecree]

The 1st - I think that was me.

Joke#2 - I about fell off my chair laughing. :)

[Hitman]

Would you re-marry ?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND : "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Oh shit

[Mithosphere]

LOL oh thats a good one

[Hitman]

THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit! Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider: You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of the English language.
and remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head........... Well, Shit Happens!!!

[stinger608]

Yep thats a great one Hitman

[whitecree]

You forgot "shit for brains" :) :)

Blonde 911 -

A car veers crazily around the parking lot of a hospital, smashing down various signs, almost running over several people, and finally stops by the simple epedient of slamming into the Emergency entry-way.

A blonde staggers out of the car, blood oozing stickily down her face, one arm is obviously broken, a knee appears to be dislocated, she is hunched to one side as if her ribs are broken, the nails on all fingers are peeled back. Upon exmanination, the nurse decides she also has a concussion and possbile skull fracture.

Nurse: "What happened?"
Blonde: "I was moving my fridge and it tipped over and fell on me."
Nurse: "Why didn't you call 9-11?"
Blonde: "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

[Mithosphere]

THE ONLY WAY TO FLY - A glimpse at commercial air travel by 2010

On behalf of the captain, the first officer and the entire crew, I?d like to the thank you for flying JetNude, the largest, and only, commercial airline in the country.

If this is your first time flying JetNude, you?re probably still a little shaken up by our check-in procedures. But let me assure you that every article of clothing you transferring to your baggage before undergoing the full-body scan will arrive safely at your destination via JetNude?s fleet of trailing transport planes.
I promise you we haven?t lost a bra or pair of jockey shorts yet!
The eyeless sleeping masks you were issued when you stripped in the check-in area should have been placed securely over your heads. It was our pleasure to personally escort you to your seats. Don?t be embarrassed. We?ve seen it all.
It is a violation of federal law to remove your masks or peek at your fellow passengers for the duration of the flight. However, in the unlikely event of a water landing, your masks may be used as a flotation device.
Our aircraft is equipped with a variety of safety features. Foremost among them: We do serve complimentary beverages but we do not sell alcoholic drinks because you can?t pay for them. Your wallets, purses, costume jewelry, wedding bands, hearing aids, glasses, dentures, toupees and personal ID have been carefully bagged and tagged and will be returned to you as you exit the aircraft
Because federal law prohibits all carry-on liquids, JetNude proudly features Way Cranked-Up Air Conditioning technology to compensate for the in-flight absence of toothpaste, deodorant, hair gel, shaving cream, moisturizer and sunblock. In the unlikely event of an extreme drop in cabin temperature your mask may be used as blanket.
Now, please give me your undivided attention as I read JetNude?s brief but important instructions about how to fasten your seat belt: Be Very Careful.
Once the captain turns off the ?fasten seat best? sign, as if you?ll notice, we urge you to remain in your seats. It is a violation of federal law to stumble into a fellow passenger?s lap. The Supreme Court has ruled that ?severe turbulence? is not a defense. If you need to use the f=restroom, just squirm and a flight attendant will escort you.
Because you have been blindfolded for your own modesty and that of your fellow passengers, the captain will no longer point out landmarks along our route. You will find no complimentary JetNude magazine in the seatback in front of you, all tray tables have been removed and our in-flight entertainment consists of a recorded loop of yoga chants designed to encourage you to stretch, relax and sleep. Incidental contact with your seatmate is violation of federal law.
Once gain, we thank you for choosing JetNude. We hope you enjoy your flight, and remember, in the unlikely event of a famine, your mask may be used as an in-flight snack.

[halutzparilla]