Stormy's Tech Disappointments of 2007
Posted December 20th, 2007 at 19:15 by Stormcrow
Everyone's all complaining about how horrid Vista is, and how shoddy and crappy the iPhone is; making them high up on their worst tech of 2007 lists. I happen to think Vista isn't bad, myself. So in order to fit in and look cool, here's my take on the biggest disappointments this year has wrought upon us. This is the real deal here, not that controversial 'lets bash the big name items' stuff you see to get page views. Looking across the whole tech sector, here's ten I think more then a few of you can agree on.
Yes, this is meant to be satire, really.
Malware:
This is a let down right here. All year, and no infections, attacks by trojans, or even an ad-ware popup. Whats going on guys, have you dropped the ball or just don't care anymore? Stormworm's got you beat in all categories, and yet you're still content to send around Sasser and don't even attempt to make my protection flex it's muscles. You're not trying anymore, hopefully 2008 will bring some decent worms in emails that at least look like they're not typed by Mr. Wu from Taiwan.
RIAA:
What happened here? Surly the moral and just crusaders of the free world, with the power of the heavens at their side and funds that flow like water couldn't be struggling at their divine quest of vanquishing those dirty, stealin and downloadin pirates? With judges no longer amused by false numbers, made up statistics, and corporate giants preying off their customers...it just seems like all is going wrong for them. I hope you guys get back on track, as I simply cannot comprehend a future where those villainous swine can play their CD's within earshot of one another.
w00t:
This is the word of the year? THIS?! Of all things in our hodgepodge and widly diverse language, w00t is the winner. Why...
Phishermen:
Same deal as the malware, what's happening? Your clever schemes and well written emails used to be the bane of my inbox, and yet now I see not an iota of what used to be superbly crafted and thought out traps. Seriously, you didn't even make fake URLs this year...it's so obvious it's not Paypal sending that message when the link is something like 71.345.61 Come on, get the act together. And next time I get one, it'd do you well not to send it in broken Engrish either.
Porn Ads:
Remember the days back when they had some real hardcore porn ads for various sites you knew were laced with viruses? Each one was different from the last; and at least some of them you clicked in vain hope of finding free gold that wouldn't put that damn dancing purple ape on your desktop. Long gone are those days, my friends...to be replaced with the same reshopped girl half nude with this crooked "pay me now" grin on every banner, sidebar, and pop-up. Nothing enticing or revealing, same chick...even the flashing neon colors have ceased to be. Annoying though they were, it's like a part of the internet just died and fell off...they've even gone so far as to make them......text based..
DNA Computers:
Why don't you exist yet?! Silicon can only go so far, what happens when we shrink those transistors to the size of atoms? You can't possibly expect us to move around quirks and neutrinos can you?! Even the proton processor is making more headway, I really don't want that punk quantum computer taking over, with it's qubits and theorized computation power of the universe. Thinking it's so much better then my organic brain...seriously, that and the offer of making my entire cellular structure into a computer for the low low price of sacrificing my humanity is just too good a deal to pass up. Maybe then I can run Crysis!
Quad-Core Processors:
Ok, what the hell? I FINALLY get a hold of a dual core processor, and before I can even bask in it's sweet, sweet luxury you guys toss out some quads. Gosh darnit, gimme some time to actually ENJOY my hardware before you make me feel obsolete with the urge to upgrade. Here I was all.."Wow, two processors stuck together, how amazing is that!" And then your all...WHAM! "Look at this! 4 stuck together, where is your god now?!" What's up with that? Totally made my poor dualie feel inferior and now I can't even enjoy it without thinking how "I could be running 4 instead of 2." Thanks Intel, AMD, for ruining my upgrade.
8800GTS SCC:
Imagine...there you are, money in hand, waiting for it. The reviews of the 8800GT have made your mouth water, you're so glad you didn't sell that kidney for that GTX and waited for the revision. There it is, the new 8800GTS, with that wonderful G92 core that just atomizes the competition. You have it in your grasp, you marvel at it's size and strength. You put it in, ready to go onto Hardwarelogic and brag about how much better this is then the old GTS all those early adopters blew their money on. You fire up GPU-Z to gaze lovingly at its specs...and then. It hits you. G80? G80?! NOOOOOO!! You've been shammed, this is but a GTS with a few shaders tossed in; not the G92 you so anxiously waited for. Quietly, you slip off to the bathroom to weep and curse your fate. You've just been had by the best marketing tactic I've seen in quite some time.
Solid State Drives:
Man, these things are bad ass. No moving parts, >0.1 seek time, no heat, 9 watts power draw. We were told they would be expensive, but we're used to expensive. Battleharden warriors with maxed credit cards, we know no bounds with our 300 dollar motherboards and 500 dollar DDR3 memory. We were not prepared for this. Like a $3000 nuclear price tag, it decimated our enthusiasm and left us with just a crushed hope and broken dreams. Even though we were expecting around 32-128GBs, that was fine; sticking two of these in RAID0 had us shaking with excitement. To find out that just one of these is a mortage and car payment, and the price won't be dropping anytime soon...sadly we turn back to our magnetic spinny things with a sigh of defeat and twirl of the finger. Woohoo.
NASA:
2007, and you're still farting around with the shuttle? Ok, we're supposed to have a lunar resort and colonies on Mars right now. Get with the deal, we want some Arthur C. Clarke and we want to see it soon. Eventually you're gonna run out of BubbleYum to fix the shuttles with, we need a new craft. We need something to be excited about. You're just gonna let the private sector and China beat you back to moon while you sit around rolling d20's to decide what to launch up next on ancient rocketry designs that haven't drastically improved in 40 years? It's 2008 in less then two weeks, and I want a freakin' Death Star up there. You hear me?
Yes, this is meant to be satire, really.
Malware:
This is a let down right here. All year, and no infections, attacks by trojans, or even an ad-ware popup. Whats going on guys, have you dropped the ball or just don't care anymore? Stormworm's got you beat in all categories, and yet you're still content to send around Sasser and don't even attempt to make my protection flex it's muscles. You're not trying anymore, hopefully 2008 will bring some decent worms in emails that at least look like they're not typed by Mr. Wu from Taiwan.
RIAA:
What happened here? Surly the moral and just crusaders of the free world, with the power of the heavens at their side and funds that flow like water couldn't be struggling at their divine quest of vanquishing those dirty, stealin and downloadin pirates? With judges no longer amused by false numbers, made up statistics, and corporate giants preying off their customers...it just seems like all is going wrong for them. I hope you guys get back on track, as I simply cannot comprehend a future where those villainous swine can play their CD's within earshot of one another.
w00t:
This is the word of the year? THIS?! Of all things in our hodgepodge and widly diverse language, w00t is the winner. Why...
Phishermen:
Same deal as the malware, what's happening? Your clever schemes and well written emails used to be the bane of my inbox, and yet now I see not an iota of what used to be superbly crafted and thought out traps. Seriously, you didn't even make fake URLs this year...it's so obvious it's not Paypal sending that message when the link is something like 71.345.61 Come on, get the act together. And next time I get one, it'd do you well not to send it in broken Engrish either.
Porn Ads:
Remember the days back when they had some real hardcore porn ads for various sites you knew were laced with viruses? Each one was different from the last; and at least some of them you clicked in vain hope of finding free gold that wouldn't put that damn dancing purple ape on your desktop. Long gone are those days, my friends...to be replaced with the same reshopped girl half nude with this crooked "pay me now" grin on every banner, sidebar, and pop-up. Nothing enticing or revealing, same chick...even the flashing neon colors have ceased to be. Annoying though they were, it's like a part of the internet just died and fell off...they've even gone so far as to make them......text based..
DNA Computers:
Why don't you exist yet?! Silicon can only go so far, what happens when we shrink those transistors to the size of atoms? You can't possibly expect us to move around quirks and neutrinos can you?! Even the proton processor is making more headway, I really don't want that punk quantum computer taking over, with it's qubits and theorized computation power of the universe. Thinking it's so much better then my organic brain...seriously, that and the offer of making my entire cellular structure into a computer for the low low price of sacrificing my humanity is just too good a deal to pass up. Maybe then I can run Crysis!
Quad-Core Processors:
Ok, what the hell? I FINALLY get a hold of a dual core processor, and before I can even bask in it's sweet, sweet luxury you guys toss out some quads. Gosh darnit, gimme some time to actually ENJOY my hardware before you make me feel obsolete with the urge to upgrade. Here I was all.."Wow, two processors stuck together, how amazing is that!" And then your all...WHAM! "Look at this! 4 stuck together, where is your god now?!" What's up with that? Totally made my poor dualie feel inferior and now I can't even enjoy it without thinking how "I could be running 4 instead of 2." Thanks Intel, AMD, for ruining my upgrade.
8800GTS SCC:
Imagine...there you are, money in hand, waiting for it. The reviews of the 8800GT have made your mouth water, you're so glad you didn't sell that kidney for that GTX and waited for the revision. There it is, the new 8800GTS, with that wonderful G92 core that just atomizes the competition. You have it in your grasp, you marvel at it's size and strength. You put it in, ready to go onto Hardwarelogic and brag about how much better this is then the old GTS all those early adopters blew their money on. You fire up GPU-Z to gaze lovingly at its specs...and then. It hits you. G80? G80?! NOOOOOO!! You've been shammed, this is but a GTS with a few shaders tossed in; not the G92 you so anxiously waited for. Quietly, you slip off to the bathroom to weep and curse your fate. You've just been had by the best marketing tactic I've seen in quite some time.
Solid State Drives:
Man, these things are bad ass. No moving parts, >0.1 seek time, no heat, 9 watts power draw. We were told they would be expensive, but we're used to expensive. Battleharden warriors with maxed credit cards, we know no bounds with our 300 dollar motherboards and 500 dollar DDR3 memory. We were not prepared for this. Like a $3000 nuclear price tag, it decimated our enthusiasm and left us with just a crushed hope and broken dreams. Even though we were expecting around 32-128GBs, that was fine; sticking two of these in RAID0 had us shaking with excitement. To find out that just one of these is a mortage and car payment, and the price won't be dropping anytime soon...sadly we turn back to our magnetic spinny things with a sigh of defeat and twirl of the finger. Woohoo.
NASA:
2007, and you're still farting around with the shuttle? Ok, we're supposed to have a lunar resort and colonies on Mars right now. Get with the deal, we want some Arthur C. Clarke and we want to see it soon. Eventually you're gonna run out of BubbleYum to fix the shuttles with, we need a new craft. We need something to be excited about. You're just gonna let the private sector and China beat you back to moon while you sit around rolling d20's to decide what to launch up next on ancient rocketry designs that haven't drastically improved in 40 years? It's 2008 in less then two weeks, and I want a freakin' Death Star up there. You hear me?
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Recent Blog Entries by Stormcrow
- Stormy's Tech Disappointments of 2007 (December 20th, 2007)
