Laughs?

[Mithosphere]

The Bathtub Test


It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."




"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

[gvblake22]

So this small town church just hit their goal for donations for the year and the pastor decided it was time for a celebration dinner. He asked Sister Mary to go to the market and get the best, and freshest fish she could find for this special dinner. Of course, Sister Mary kindly accepted the task and set off to the fish market. She walked into the fish market and asked the man behind the counter what the best, freshest fish of the day was. Excited, the man replied, "OH! We just got a one of a kind catch in today actually. This is some of the best fish you'll ever have and it sells out quick so you better get it while you can!" Obviously Sister Mary was delighted to hear about such a wonderful catch and of course she asked, "Well, what kind of fish is it?"
"It's God Damn good fish from the Black Sea."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, it's God Damn good fish from the Black Sea."

Sister Mary was reluctant to buy a fish with such a horrible name, but she knew the fisherman in the market had to be telling the truth and it must be extremely good. Besides, maybe no one will ask what kind of fish it is.

So she arrived back at the church and the cook fried up the fish to perfection and dinner was served. All the members of the church were gathered around the table and were extremely pleased with the dinner choice. Everyone loved the fish, and finally the pastor asked, "Sister Mary, this fish is amazing! What kind of fish is this?"

The feared moment of truth had finally come, but being a servant of the lord she had no choice but to tell the truth. She tried to shrug off the question by saying that she would rather not say, but the pastor insisted they know what this wonderful dinner was that they were eating. Finally, Sister Mary broke down and admitted, "It's God Damn good fish from the Black Sea." Behind a red, embarrassed face, she looked back up at the Pastor waiting for his response...
"About time you loosened up around here, now pass the fuckin' butter!"

[RangerXLT8]

A little boy and his mom are at the bank standing in line for the teller.

Infront of them is a business woman dressed in a suit with a pager on her waist.

The little boy notices the lady and says out loud, "mommy that lady is really big." The boys mom quickly replies "that is not polite, be quiet".

So the next person in line is helped. They move up in line and the boy says "mommy her butt is REALLY big." The boys mom grabs his hand and says " that is so rude, be quiet and act right"

So they are standing in line, boy at his mothers side, and all the sudden the ladies pager goes off(beep beep beep beep) and the boy quickly shouts "look out she's backing up!!!!!!!!!!"

[Mithosphere]

lol good ones, those were awesome

[whitecree]

A baker goes to the barbershop for a haircut. Once done, he reaches for his wallet, but the barber refuses payment, saying "Your work feeds the people of the city. For you, no charge." The butcher thanks the barber and to repay the kindness, leaves on the barber's doorstep the next morning several loaves of fresh-made bread and a box of assorted donuts.

Later that day, a garbage collector gets a haircut and tries to pay. But again, the barber refuses payment, saying the garbageman's work is in the best interest of the people. The garbageman thanks the barber and leaves. The next worning the barber wakes up to find his entire street, his back alley are sparkling clean, his trashcans have been not only washed and sanitized, but deodorized. An ancient heap of leaves and grass clippings has been removed from beside his garage as well.

A lawyer goes for a haircut, tries to pay, and payment is once more refused. The barber insists that the lawyer is only doing what is right for people.

Next day, there are 3 more lawyers on his doorstep looking for free haircuts.

[WhiteEagle]

These latest ones didn't even crack a smile on me. I hardly ever laugh anymore.

[Hitman]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a Chicago Park when a crazed
Rottweiler suddenly attacks one of the boys. Thinking quickly, the other boy takeshis hockey stick, shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it and breaks thedog's neck, saving his friend.

A reporter is standing by, sees the incident, and rushes over to interviewthe boy."Young Cub Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal," he starts writing in hisnotebook. "But I'm not a Cubs fan," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but sincewe're in Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and startswriting again."Sox Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook."But I'm not a Sox fan either," the little boy replies. "Sorry, but since we'rein Chicago, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and starts writingagain. "Bears Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack," he writes in hisnotebook. "I'm not a Bears fan either," says the boy. "Oh... I assumed everyonein Chicago was either for the Cubs, Sox or Bears. What team do you root for?"the reporter asked. "I'm a Packers fan," the boy replies. The reporterStarts a new sheet in his notebook and writes:"Little Bastard from Wisconsin Kills Beloved Family Pet"

[gvblake22]

A grandpa was sitting back in his favorite easy chair enjoying a beer when his young grandson walked into the room and if he could have some. The grandpa replied NO. The the grandson said, "Well, when will I be able to have some?"
Grandpa said, "Well, when your dick can touch your ass, you can have a beer".
So some time passed and finally the grandson came back to grandpa's house and found him in the same easy chair drinking a beer and the grandson exclaimed, "My dick can touch my ass, I swear! Can I have a beer?"
Grandpa replied, "Great, then go **** yourself."

[Mithosphere]

oh those are great, i should send those to some people!

[screwballl]

A family is at the dinner table.The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."